Things I Do That Are Stupid.

I know how much you all like to make fun of me, so let me tell you a story called, “Amand-r and the Smoke Detector That Won’t Stop Fucking Beeping.”

That’s pretty much the story. Like if I had told that story in twitter, it’d be under 140 characters. Like, is there a genre for when the title pretty much tells the whole story? That thing. No, see the funny comes from the fact that I have about a billion smoke detectors in my home, something about when you rent they have to abide by the law, whereas people who own their own homes treat the law more like guidelines. Piratey. You know. So I have like, okay, maybe eight of them.

The problem stems from the fact that ONE of them will not stop beeping and I cannot tell by listening which one it is. I thought I had narrowed it down today and changed the battery, only five minutes later:

BEEP.

SONOFABITCH.

So it’s no surprise to any of you that I fail at all things logical and math oriented. I keep thinking to myself, “There has to be a systematic way to tell which one it is, sans standing under it until it beeps. What if it never beeps? I’ll be there all day.” I’m like, “Well, you can remove the batteries from them one at a time and then wait to hear a noise,” and I’m not even sure that would work because of the whole “randomly beeping nature” of the alarm. I don’t even KNOW why I put that in quotes.

Like really, I thought to myself, “Self, here’s what you should do. Open Excel, make a spreadsheet with all the possible combinations of batteries in-batteries out.”

Me: Self, I don’t know how to make an excel spreadsheet.
Self: Sure you do. Open it and—oh wait, this is the program with the formulas and boxes, right?
Me: Yup.
Self: Abort! Abort! Wait, what’s that thing here the sideways EZ thing?
Mystery Smoke Detector: BEEP.
Me: I dunno. Epsilon? I dunno, man.
Self: Man, we’re stupid.
Me: We should just change ALL the batteries.
Self: Hrm, needlessly expensive, requires a trip out in the car…I like it! This is the kind of plan that says, “Amand-r is a dumbass! Cut the baby in half!”
Me: well, I do have a reputation for jackassery to uphold.
Mystery Smoke Detector: Come and get me if you can!
Self: (pointing in the general direction of all the smoke detectors, so basically waving my hand around like a crazy person) QUIET YOU. YOUR DAY WILL COME.

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About Amanda Ching

I write. Fo' you.
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3 Responses to Things I Do That Are Stupid.

  1. RaeWhit says:

    I think it counts as writing; it made me laugh.

  2. Steve H. says:

    There’s a couple ways to solve this.
    Method Boring: Find husband’s old voltmeter (or borrow a friend’s voltmeter) and check the batteries. The one with the lowest number wins.

    Method Fun: Grab a smoke detector and a beer. Drink beer while holding the smoke detector. If it doesn’t beep by the time you’ve finished the beer, it was NOT the one with the low battery.

  3. Andrew says:

    You could also use what’s called binary search: take them all off the wall, and take batteries out of the first half of them. If the beeping continues, you know that it’s among the second half of them. If it stops, it was in the first half. Put all the batteries back in, and do it again with just that half. After the first go, you’ve narrowed it down to four; after the second go, you know it’s between two of them, and after the third try you know which one it is.

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