MAKING COFFEE: A PICTORAL GUIDE

THIS IS AN 8 CUP VACUUM SIPHON POT:

IT WILL RENDER UNTO AMANDA COFFEE THAT…WHICH…IS, UHM AMANDA’S, AND SHIT. GOD, I HATE THE BIBLE SOMETIMES.

STEP ONE: PUT ON THE MUPPET SHOW:

STEP TWO: FILL POT WITH WATER

STEP THREE: GOOGLE HOW THE DIFFUSER WORKS AND THEN USE IT CORRECTLY (HINT, USE AS IS. DO NOT BEND INTO BALLOON ANIMAL SHAPE OR TRIPOD.)

STEP FOUR: FEED FILTER THROUGH TUBE FROM THE TOP

PULL SPRING WITH CHAIN SO THAT IT HOOKS THE BOTTOM LIP OF THE TUUUUBE.

THIS IS HOW THE FILTER LOOKS FROM THE TOP:

STEP FIVE: PUT COFFEE IN TOP. NOTE THE AWESOME BLACK…PLASTIC…THING WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO HOLD THE TOP PART UPRIGHT.

STEP SIX: AFFIX TOP INTO BOTTOM AND SET ON MEDIUM HEAT.

STEP SEVEN: SEAL A RIP IN TIME WITH TOSH, TOMMY AND MADELINE L’ENGLE:

ONCE THE RIP IS HEALED, THE WATER SHOULD BE RISING TO THE TOP:

STEP EIGHT: STIR YOUR COFFEE.

STEP NINE: LOCK YOUR CO-WORKER UP, STARKERS, WITH A WEEVIL:

STEP TEN: LET BOIL FOR 60 SECONDS AT FULL ROLL:

STEP ELEVENTY: REMOVE FROM HEAT. USE NANCY-ASS TRIVET LIKE A FROU FROU BASTARD:

BRING A GAS MASK:

COFFEE WILL DESCEND ON ITS OWN! IT’S REALLY COOL:

STEP TWELVETY: POUR AND ENJOY! PRETEND TO BE WAITRESS IN DINER:

THAT IS ALL.

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About Amanda Ching

I write. Fo' you.
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