Happy Guilty-Relief Day

I was trying to think of things I am thankful for, and then I was trying to figure out how to list them. Then I had a sip of coffee.  Then I thought about how thankfulness is innate sometimes, and I feel worse for stating my thanks. Then I had a sip of coffee.  Then I wondered who I was thanking.  Then I decided I was more grateful.  Then I realized that I’m appreciative.  Then I had a sip of coffee.

Then I realized I am lucky.  I am lucky to have been born here at this time, and in this country, especially being a girl.  I am lucky that I had parents who believed in education.  I am lucky that despite being poor, both my mother and father managed to get us through childhood healthy and safely (despite a near miss with a car, Dad, you know what I am talking about). I am lucky that I have a modicum of intellectual ability that got me into a reasonable position for my career.

I am lucky, very lucky, that Vi was born healthy.  I am lucky that we got social security.  I am very lucky that my parents were near to take care of me and Vi after Tianyu died.

I am lucky to have great friends, and the luxury to pick a good school district for Vi.  I am not so lucky that she’s so pretty, though that will help her when she’s older and pretty much make me fucking insane. I am lucky that she is well-behaved, relatively illness free, and doesn’t seem to have any developmental learning issues that would make life more difficult.

So yeah, I feel very lucky today. And because I am lucky to have all these great things, I feel relieved and guilty.  And that’s a pretty good thing to be, all things considered.


About Amanda Ching

I write. Fo' you.
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One Response to Happy Guilty-Relief Day

  1. RaeWhit says:

    Sounds like thankfulness to me. But I understand. My gratitude for the way my life has turned out is laced with guilt.

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