THE TRAGIC AND HEROIC PROGRESSION OF KEVIN COSTNER’S ILLNESS AND RECOVERY.

Years ago, I don’t remember who started this idea that actors could get actor’s diseases. This is for purely humorous purposes, so don’t try to see rationality in this. It started with either Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise, but they were definitely diagnosed. Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise Disease is a pretty simple progression that begins to gestate around “Born on the Fourth of July”, and I think Mel Gibson Disease is fully actualized in Braveheart. Tom Hanks might have Tom Hanks disease, but if he does it is FABULOUS, so I am okay with it.

It is Kevin Costner who not only contracted his disease, but recovered from it as well, as much as one can recover from a disease named solely for them and whose Patient 0 is also the only patient. I have been asked many many times to explain it, but the fact is that it defies explanation. But the chart (also known as a filmography from Wikipedia) is a pretty simple explanation. Also, I got to make a table.

So.

1987 The Untouchables Eliot Ness IT BEGINS.
No Way Out Lt. Cmdr. Tom Farrell
1988 Bull Durham Crash Davis GETS TO HAVE SEX WITH SUSAN SARANDON.
1989 Field of Dreams Ray Kinsella FIRST ALIGNMENT WITH MYSTICAL AWESOME.
Revenge Michael ‘Jay’ Cochran
1990 Dances with Wolves Lieutenant John J. Dunbar SENSE OF A MAVERICK FIGHTING THE MAN/ALIGNED WITH MORE “MYSTICAL FORCES”/WARS ANIMAL SKINS
1991 Madonna: Truth or Dare Himself PROBABLY A FREE BLOWJOB
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Robin Hood SHUT UP. I LIKED THIS MOVIE. EXISTENCE VALIDATED BY WORKING WITH FREEMAN/RICKMAN/CONNERY.
JFK Jim Garrison EXPOSURE TO OLIVER STONE POURS GAS ON THE FIRE
1992 Amazing Stories: Book One Captain WHAT.
Oliver Stone: Inside Out Himself YOU KNOW IT’S BAD WHEN YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY.
The Bodyguard Frank Farmer AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE…YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU
1993 A Perfect World Robert ‘Butch’ Haynes CONVICT WITH A HEART OF GOLD/MALLEABLE TO CHILDREN.   BONUS POINTS FOR EASTWOOD EXPOSURE.
1994 A Century of Cinema Himself OH MAN, THIS IS ALWAYS A BAD SIGN.
Wyatt Earp Wyatt Earp WE’RE ALMOST THERE. GUNS/ANGST/ONLY I CAN SAVE THE UNIVERSE.
The War Stephen Simmons WAR AAAAAAAANGST
1995 Waterworld Mariner SAAAAAAVE THE WORRRRRRLD
1996 Tin Cup Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy I GUESS HE JUST NEEDED TO WORK ON HIS GAME AND WONDERED WHY A FILM CREW FOLLOWED HIM EVERYWHERE.
1997 Sean Connery, An Intimate Portrait Himself LOLOLOLOL. NOTICE THAT DESPITE CHEESINESS AND QUESTIONABLE FILM CHOICES, CONNERY DOES NOT HAVE CONNERY DISEASE.
The Postman The Postman GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM, WE HAVE KEVIN COSTNER DISEASE.
1999 Message in a Bottle Garret Blake NOTICE THAT WE TAKE A BREAK HERE FOR 2 YEARS AND THEN FOLLOW IT WITH A TEN YEAR MORATORIUM.
For Love of the Game Billy Chapel
Play It to the Bone Ringside Fan I KNOW THESE FILMS CAME OUT, BUT WTF.
2000 Thirteen Days Kenny O’Donnell
2001 3000 Miles to Graceland Thomas J. Murphy
Road to Graceland Murphy (voice) DID ANY OF YOU WATCH THESE?
2002 Dragonfly Joe Darrow
2003 Open Range Charley Waite
2005 The Upside of Anger Denny Davies
Rumor Has It… Beau Burroughs
2006 The Guardian Ben Randall
2007 Mr. Brooks Mr. Earl Brooks BAM! THERAPEUTIC CHEMO DELIVERED IN THE ROLE OF A SERIAL KILLER WHO TRIES FOR REDEMPTION AND THEN SAYS “FUCK IT”.   (SERIOUSLY, YOU REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA CHANGE HIS WAYS BECAUSE HE’S KEVIN FUCKING COSTNER, BUT NOOOOOOOO.)
2008 Swing Vote Bud Johnson LOOK, I AM SURE THE MAN HAS A MORTGAGE.
2009 The New Daughter John James
2010 The Company Men Jack Dolan
2012 Hatfields & McCoys William Anderson “Devil Anse” Hatfield FUCK IT, EVEN I’D DO THIS FILM, IF I HAD ANY TALENT.
2013 Man of Steel Jonathan Kent NOW TOO OLD TO BE SUPERMAN, KEVIN IS ALLOWED TO BE IN WISE SUPPORTING ROLES, SAFE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IT WILL NOT MAKE THE BEAST REAR ITS UGLY HEAD.
Jack Ryan William Harper SEE ABOVE BOX. ALSO, GETS TO HANG OUT WITH BRANAUGH, WHO SUFFERED FROM A SIMILAR AILMENT—KENNETH BRANAUGH DISEASE. WHILE KEVIN HAS KILLED HIS DISEASE, KENNETH HAS CHOSEN AN EXPERIMENTAL METHOD OF TREATMENT KNOWN AS DIRECTING, AND WHOSE ONLY OTHER KNOWN TRIAL RUN WAS A FAILED ATTEMPT ON MEL GIBSON’S MEL GIBSON DISEASE.

So there you have it—Kevin Costner disease. I stopped bothering to chart it after 2013, but it looks like he’s okay. He’s gonna be fine. Just fine.

 

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About Amanda Ching

I write. Fo' you.
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8 Responses to THE TRAGIC AND HEROIC PROGRESSION OF KEVIN COSTNER’S ILLNESS AND RECOVERY.

  1. RaeWhit says:

    That’s awesome. I’m a bit scared that this made total sense to me. I think I might have YOUR disease,whatever that is.

  2. mfennvt says:

    So… you’re saying it’s safe to watch Kevin Costner movies again?

  3. Pingback: ingenieurs marocains

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