A RECKONING

I know that it has been a million years since I have written anything. In my defense, I have no defense, so the two things right there should cancel out anything that might possibly tarnish my record. What record you say? That one.

Instead, I am trying to get all my feels out on paper (the one I am typing on right now. I can make Word make it look like paper, so I’mma go with that illusion) and make a list of Shit I Don’t Like, followed by a list of Shit I Like.

Shit I Don’t Like

1. [….]-isms, yeah. Death, poverty, war, famine, pestilence, dudes who ride horses with way too much armor, that scene in Return of the King when the oliphant spikes that horse into the air, all that heavy shit. I am pissed about that every damn day. I am pretty vocal about it. INSTEAD, here are more dumbass things that I just don’t like. I DON’T LIKE THEM AT ALL.

2. DIY projects whose sole purpose is decoration AND whose point is repurposing but in reality ends up requiring you to purchase half the supplies. (Must contain those two together. Separate is less irritating.)

3. Bags of chips that are filled with air to cushion the chips, but whose empty space just means the chips flail about inside and crush each other into chip flakes.

4. That if you try to pour chip flakes into a bowl and eat them like cereal, there’s no liquid that is good on them. Not even beer.

5. That I even considered trying Funyun cereal and Mountain Dew after typing the above.

6. Funyuns, because they aren’t fun anymore. I think you have to be under the age of 18 to like them, hence their original name “Funyoung”. In Pittsburgh these are called “Funyinz”.

7. Waiting for shit I shouldn’t have to wait for. Also, waiting for shit that I NEED. That last one is not really anything I can do anything about. I mean, I didn’t order bras from amazon until I broke all but one underwire, and I ordered them in the mail, so it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting in for. What I am trying to say is that my bra is a little nasty right now, but the girls need a support system that isn’t strings and hot glue.

8. David Moffat’s Doctor Who run. I dunno. I have rewatched it with kidlet, and it has some great lines, but the whole thing was just meh. I dunno what I was expecting.

9. Air filters. I have to change mine in my car, and even though I could pay someone to do this, I will do it myself because power. And because I am making this choice I am pissy about it and hate air filters despite that this is totally voluntary on my part and will end up being one of the DIY projects in number one. Maybe I should hot glue some string on it.

10. Judges on reality shows who yell at contestants that it’s a competition. You think they didn’t fucking know that? I get it being competitive, but when are we going to stand up and say that there are some forms of being competitive that are just plain BAD, and they should be deplored? You can be in a competition and be nice. Respectful. Sometimes you have to compromise because Jesus it’s what human decency is. Competition and decency are not mutually exclusive, and whoever tells you different is horrible human being who needs to shipped to Survivor: Dumpster Town. I would watch that Schadenfreude Shit Show in a heartbeat if it ended in a couch fire riot.

Shit I Like

1. Ru Paul’s Drag Race’s reliance on puns.

2. That someone out there finally had the bravery to explore the conspiracy that is bay leaf usage.

3. Deez

4. That every fucking recipe in the world is available online. I cannot tell you how much crap I have learned how to make over the years that I would have never gotten from a book in my house. It would never have occurred to me to look it up at the library. Thank you for making me fat in many many ways, Internet.

5. You know when you discover a new author, and then you look them up on goodreads or summat and you discover that they have written like 45 books? That’s the shit, man.

6. Speaking of, I was thinking about Harry Potter fanfic the other day, because I am writing some now and I have been known to write it in the past, along with Torchwood, which is relevant to this convo because of this: world building in an already created world that is not yours is fucking fun. It’s not the same as world building in something you made from scratch. And adding in tech and magic and laws and backstories for something else is a challenge to make it compliant and in character and yet inventive. I fucking love it.

7. Naming foods after colors. RED VELVET CAKE. RED KOOL-AID. This happens to red a lot more than other colors, except for orange. Don’t bring up orange you smug mutherfuckers. But really, red velvet cake. I am assuming velvet is supposed to refer to the texture? Or is it the color? Red Whorehouse Velvet Brocade Walls Cake? Or does it taste like red velvet? What does that taste like? Am I supposed to just hie on down to Jo-Ann Fabrics and start gnawing on a swatch of red velvet? I bet it tastes nothing like any dessert I’d ever want to eat.

8. RED VELVET ANYTHING. Because (and I have a reason) IT’S JUST WEAK ASS CHOCOLATE THAT YOU HAD TO ADD A METRIC FUCKTON OF RED FOOD DYE TO IN ORDER TO MAKE IT LOOK THAT RED. Red velvet is chocolate. Seriously, if you wanted to make something red velvet color, why not start with vanilla? Why you gotta cover up the chocolate? Why would you start from a dark base? Are you offended by the brown color? You are so cake racist that you have to ruin a dessert by adding o much food dye that now it just tastes like fucking plastic food dye.

Cake racists.

9. OH MY GOD GUYS I JUST REALIZED THAT I WAS BACK TO HATE. HOLY CRAP. I WAS SO ON A ROLL.

RECAP:

7. I love naming foods after colors. It’s dumb but lol.

8. BACK TO GOOD STUFF I LOVE: When people on my friends list post impossibly upbeat stuff and I can roll my eyes at them in private. On one hand, ugh. Shut the fuck up Pollyanna. On the other hand, we need you in the world, Pollyanna, because see above numbering issue. But it is also good that I can be a horrible human being in my own home where no one can see me doing it, because I am valuable too. Without my excessive strain on my optic nerve connectors you would not get the brilliant pieces of stand-up comedy listicle that you are reading right now. #notalllisticles

But really, Polly, stop that.

9. BACK ON TRACK: EVERY SINGLE HASHTAG JOKE THAT REFERENCES “NOTALL[X]”. THEY NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY, BECAUSE THE #NOTALLMEN AND #NOTALLWHITEPEOPLE HASHTAGS WERE FUCKED UP AND SHOULD BE MOCKED FOREVER OR UNTIL SHIT IS FIXED. #notall

10. Conspiracy theories about aliens. THEY WILL NEVER STOP BEING FUNNY. If you have a moment, go and listen to a few of the alien related podcasts from Last Podcast on the Left, because sometimes when I feel down…when I feel…blue…I watch that scene in Grosse Point Blank and feel better…for a while. But then I listen to the whole thing about Dulce Military base and the underground vats of humans for the Grays and the Reptilians and about how the Pleiadians want to help overthrow our masters with tachyon energy and some shit and I realize that people out there have—apparently—a much more…vivid way of seeing the world. Shine on you fucking nutball diamond, shine the fuck on, like a crystal hat that will enhance your crown to fight the Arkons at the ancient pyramids.

11. Because it’s the love list it deserves to be longer. I love playing Sims 3 with my kid. We made a married couple named Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and installed them in a high rise. Viola picked their personality traits: he is brave, star quality, great kisser, genius, and evil. He works in politics. She is insane, great kisser, evil, childish, and lucky. She is a criminal. I cannot wait to see how this works out.

Man, there’s this bag of chips sitting in front of me that I don’t want to open, so I should probably go elsewhere. I could move the bag of chips, but they look comfortable where they are. It’s my problem, not theirs.

It will be their problem later. SOON.

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About Amanda Ching

I write. Fo' you.
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